“It’s hard to watch the one person you shared goals and values with begin to go down another path. It’s difficult to slowly find you have less in common and that their path in life no longer coincides with your own. But, I’ll never regret meeting them. Our time was brief, but I gained and learned so much that I couldn’t possibly try and ask for more.”

…I have become addicted.

Answer: I did, but I got rid of it.

Answer: For me, I haven’t really had the opportunities to photograph others (besides my sister), so this is hard to answer.  I think it’s really hard to photograph myself because there are many things I don’t like about my physical appearance (ie. caterpillar eyebrows, worry wrinkles, not exactly fit, etc.).  But in a way I like photographing myself because it gives viewers a taste of what is imperfect, genuine, not-your-ideal-model status.  Also, I know exactly what I want the photograph to look like (ie. pose, facial expression), and I find it harder to convey that to my sister, the only other person I photograph, because it’s not the same as if I’m doing it.  But I would love to photograph those who would be willing to be photographed, and see what happens after.

This is something I wrote at the end of 10th grade, and it hasn’t been edited.  But I just wanted to get this out of my system. 

To my Beloved Bullies, 

To all of those who have made fun of me in the past…this may sound weird for me to say, but thank you. 

Thank you to those who have called me ugly, overweight, weird, crazy, and a social outcast. Thank you to those who have teased me for having too much hair on my body due to a genetic disorder which I cannot control. Thank you to those who criticize me for not fitting in to what others perceive as the female gender stereotype simply because I liked to wear t-shirts and sweatpants. Thank you to those who have called me for YEARS a hermaphrodite to my face in the locker rooms, even though I am not. Thank you to those who have made fun of me for having no social life, for studying at home like a good girl and practicing music. Thank you to those who have told me I don’t know how to smile in photographs. Thank you for those who have battered down my self-confidence into nonexistence. 

 Thank you. Without you, I really could not have blossomed into the person I am today. Because of you, I have learned how to fight battles against others and my mind. Because of you, I am stronger, more confident, and more expressive. I am not afraid to change myself—true, what prompted me to change myself were your insults that you hurled at my throughout my entire life, but in return, I have seen the expressions on your faces when you see me now. I am no longer that socially awkward hermaphroditic freak you all love to tease. I may seem different on the outside now (via haircut, clothing change, and confident attitude), but I am still the same inside. And I am proud of that. You managed to shake a girl to the point of considering suicide, but unknowingly, you helped this ugly caterpillar form and emerge from her chrysalis, transforming into a beautiful butterfly. 

I am no longer afraid to come out and express what I feel in my photography and art. I am willing to accept criticism, and learn from my mistakes. I am no longer afraid to follow my passion for music without worrying about being judged for the decisions I am making.

Thank you. 

I can already read the minds of many of you who are reading this. You think I want attention; you think I’m just telling a sob story; you think I’m being a drama queen; you think I’m letting the past finally erupt out of my fingers onto my computer; you think that no one in their right mind is going to give a shit about what I’m writing and that you’re wasting a good 5 minutes of your life reading this sad little note written by someone who obviously isn’t confident in herself. 

Well, you’re probably wrong and right. 

The scars may fade… 

But they will never disappear. 

Bullies? Friends? Peeps? You may not be bullies now, but I hope this speaks to you in some way. And of course I’m not just a victim. I’ve bullied others too; we’ve all done it. This letter was written to remind us all of the detrimental effects your bullying can have on someone…..yet also, how someone can grow because of it. 

I am no longer afraid to wear dresses or let my hair down. I am no longer afraid to speak up in class, or give my opinion during orchestra. My self-confidence has definitely not been fully restored, but it’s on its way there. I am no longer afraid to express myself, to love myself, to BE myself. 

(I will admit that I am a MUCH more bitter and sarcastic person than I was about 7 years ago. But hey, side effects come with everything, right?) 

So thank you, Bullies. This most certainly is not an invitation to bully others-it’s not a two-way street. I encourage you to stop bullying people, and maybe give that awkward kid you try to avoid a compliment sometime. Believe me, it will brighten up their day. It certainly has for me. 

Hopefully we can be friends in the future. You have broken me down, but because of that, I have been able to get back up. 

Love, a former ugly caterpillar.